Road Trip: Day 5

The respected theologian and cat of the world Garfield was very prolific, particularly in his thoughts on Mondays. Basically, he sums them up as thus: "I hate Mondays."

Yes, Garfield, we hate Mondays too. But this Monday, it was not so bad.

We took a day off from driving to get some much needed rest and some much needed exercise, as well as see a little bit of the Denver area. We woke up at 10:30am, which is really kind of like 12:30pm for us considering we just came from the East Coast. From there, Rhi, Alec and I went to Bruegger's Bagels for some breakfast, where Rhi's cousin Margaret met us. And you'll never guess who we saw there.


That's right: John Elway. I wouldn't have even noticed unless Alec pointed him out, but there he was in the flesh. Even in person he gives off the air of a Super Bowl champion, but at the moment I was too busy giggling to myself about how funny he looks to notice. Seriously, he looks sort of funny for some reason.

After bagels, Alec left us with Margaret, and we went to Red Rocks to get some hiking in. It was awesome.


We took that picture. Not that we're awesome photographers or anything, more like it's impossible to take a bad picture of the place. Did I mention these rock formations are 250 million years old?


Here's Rhi and I sitting on some rocks. Some 250 million year old rocks, that is.


That's Rhi's cousin Margaret Holtz. She lives in Denver and draws maps for a living, or something. Her job sounds complicated.


We spotted this house from a distance while we were on our hike. Rhi and I love mid-century modern and modern architecture, as well as adobe buildings. This seemed to be the perfect combination of the two, and it's also built on the grounds of a national park. What's not to love? Other than getting strange people taking pictures of your glass house with high-speed optical zoom lenses, that is.

After the hike a flirtation with altitude sickness, Rhi and I went back to Alec's for a nap and the Flyers game (WOO FLYERS!). Later, Alec had another appointment so we went to Margaret's for dinner, but on our way we saw a fox.


That's the fox we saw, about to attack a cat in somebody's front yard. This isn't the kind of fox I'm used to seeing in Philly. This thing was huge, and just trotting along the sidewalk in broad daylight. It looked and acted mean, and I was sure the cat was done for, but the fox was more of a wuss than he seemed and the cat scared him away. Denver is a strange place that way.

Anyways, so we went to Margaret's for dinner and played some board games with her roommates Allison and Grace.


Very nice people and all, we really enjoyed their company and they're sweet demeanors. But, I confess, I suspect them of cheating at Cranium. (You're supposed to actually imitate the people on the card, not just give verbal hints with no attempt at mimicking their actions. I'm talking to you, Grace.) (Sorry, I'm a sore loser.)

After that, we met up with Alec again to go see "Baby Mama," starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. It is hilarious, we all recommend it.

Now, we're really tired and going to bed. All this rest and relaxation can really take a lot out of you.

Road Trip: Day 4

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As Kanye West once said, “You know what the Midwest is? Young and restless. These [expletive deleted] might snatch your necklace.” I imagine the youth in Lincoln, Nebraska are among the most restless in the entire Midwest, so I went to bed last night worrying that our car might be broken into overnight in the parking lot of the Best Western and have our proverbial necklaces stolen. My fears were proven unfounded, as our car was not only safe this morning, but last night’s rain even left it a little cleaner than when we pulled in.

Of course, we got another late start to our morning and we missed the complementary continental breakfast by mere minutes. But given the spread of day-old bagels, suspicious cheese Danishes and stale cereal, we probably weren’t missing much. The coffee, however, was surprisingly delicious.

We felt a little dodgy from our pizza hangover, and we decided to eat a little healthier today. We stopped by the local grocery store in Lincoln, and I was hankering for liquor and chicken wings. Boy was I in luck!


Eight great tastes that taste great together! But alas, it was before noon on a Sunday, and they would not sell us alcohol. So we settled on some beef jerky, nuts and carrots.

Back on the road, we discovered that nothing in Nebraska had changed while we were asleep.


It was still all flat, all farmland. I’m not really a Bruce Springsteen fan, but I can see why he named one of his albums after this state: his musical style is as bland and flat as the plains. (Leave all the pro-Springsteen hate mail in the comments section, people.)

On about the third hour of Nebraska drivin’, we came across a sign for Pioneer Village. “See how real pioneers lived!” the signs screamed. I had thought the people around here still lived like that, so I really wanted to see it. Rhianwen wasn’t quite as excited, but acquiesced. We pulled off the exit and were immediately disappointed to see signs advertising Pioneer Village as 13 miles away. It wasn’t worth it, but we did see dozens of horses grazing by a lake so we had to pull over and check it out.


We threw carrots at them, but they just ignored us. Stupid, stuck-up Nebraska horses. We’ll get our revenge soon enough...

Anyways, the moment we crossed over into Colorado, the landscape changed instantly. The endless views of flat plains and farmland seemed to be over. No more flat, boring corn fields. Suddenly, things were hilly. Mountains could be seen in the background. Colors other than green and brown could be seen. Variety! Thank God for variety!


So excited were we with the new change in scenery, we visited Barr Lake State Park to get out and stretch our limbs. But then we saw them: More horses. We were still a little upset over what happened with the horses in Nebraska, but Rhianwen was determined to make friends with a horse before the day was out. And since we're talking about Rhianwen here, it didn't take long before she had talked her way onto the back of one of them.


After that, we took a walk around beautiful Barr Lake, where a million birds make millions of crazy noises. It was nice to see some interesting nature before heading back into an urban metropolis.






The drive into Denver after Barr Lake was a short and pleasant one. I'd always heard that Denver was like one big suburb, and it kind of is. We were on our way to staey with our good friend Alec, who's house is on a street full of yards and driveways and it feels nothing like an urban landscape. We were all starved, so we went to dinner. I drank one of my favorite beers, Fat Tire, which I've never been able to find on the East Coast, so I was happy. The food was good, and then Rhianwen made us take a photo in the bar, which was kind of embarrassing.


After that, Rhi went to visit her cousin Margaret, who recently moved to Denver and doesn't live too far from Alec. Alec and I went back to his house and watched "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." It's almost funny how bad/insane that movie is, but I still enjoyed it thoroughly nonetheless. Rhianwen came home just in time to catch the dramatic coal mining cart race at the end, and then we went to bed.

Today, we're going to go for a hike with Margaret while Alec does some work for grad school. Updates on today, tomorrow.

Road Trip Day 4 Stats
Leaving From: Lincoln, NE
Going To: Denver, CO
Google Maps Distance: 485 miles, 6 hours and 41 minutes
Actual Distance: TBD (forgot to check the mileage again), 7 hours, 45 minutes
Total Distance Driven So Far: TBD (again with the mileage)
States Visited: Nebraska, Colorado
Lessons Learned: Nebraska horses are jerks; Colorado horses are nice; Denver is a cool city.

Road Trip: Day 3

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I'm not a professional baseball player, so I don't really know what I'm talking about. But I imagine before the season starts and the season schedule is posted, even the most enthusiastic of players look at certain road stretches with complete and utter disdain. I bet nothing sends a chill down a professional athlete's spine more than the prospect of a three day stretch with a doubleheader in Kansas City. Who wants to go to Kansas City?

In the weeks leading up to our road trip, that's kind of how I felt about today's leg from Chicago to Nebraska. I knew it was going to be long, boring, grueling and I just didn't want to do it. Leaving the excitement of Chicago for rural Illinois/Iowa/Nebraska wasn't exactly appealing, which is probably why we took our sweet time leaving town.

And boy did we take a long time leaving, even though we had a nine hour drive ahead of us. And had we left in time, we might still have a high opinion of Chicagoans. Yesterday, everyone we met in Chicago was as pleasant as can be. Some guy gave us uber-detailed directions, other drivers let us in ahead of them, people let me pet their dogs... it was great.

Then, this morning, we went to Whole Foods, where apparently all the snobby, rude Chicagoans shop. A guy in an Expedition was taking up two spots, the second of which was the only spot left in the lot (which we crammed our Versa into). Some rude lady almost ran Rhi over with her shopping cart. People were just all snooty, so now we hate Chicago. Or at least just that Whole Foods.

So then we left town, and this is the view leaving the city:


Chicago is a strange place: You try to leave town, and it looks like your heading right into it. But man, what a skyline. I don't think there's any city in the country where you can get a foreboding view of the city's buildings like that.

So on we went, back into rural America. And I gotta say, I am growing more and more intrigued with the place. As Rhi slept in the passenger seat, I drove in silence taking in some of the naturally beautiful phenomenon: rows of cloud blocking out the sun in streaks and how the wind blowing tall grass looks like water. And then there's the endless man-made structures.


Buildings like these are all over the Midwest. I don't know why they're there or what they're used for. All I know is that they look like set pieces from a Fritz Lang movie, and they're kind of awesome. But eventually, seeing metal building after metal building grew tiresome, and we were in need of something new. Something exciting. Something... big.


Oh my God, does that say "World's Largest Truckstop"?!? OHMIGOD WE'RE SO EXCITED!


OHMIGOD! Iowa 80! They have everything a trucker needs, all in one stop!


If someone ever asks you what you do for a living, there probably isn't a better answer than, "I'm a truckstop dentist." But what you see on this list isn't all they have to offer. Do they have trucks you can sit in?


Why yes, they do. But what about miniature statues of howling wolves? Truckers need those all the time.


Life-size Grover replicas?


Absolutely. On the second floor, actual truckers convene to smoke cigarettes, tell dirty jokes and watch old western flicks while they wait for their laundry to dry. It was kind of strange, and I think I speak for Rhi as well when I say I felt like we absolutely did not belong there. But it was fun in a weird, I'll-never-experience-anything-like-this-again kind of way.

Re-energized from the pure good vibes that comes only from the World's Largest Truckstop, we got back on the road. We popped in an audio book of Bill Bryson's "In a Sunburned Country" and learned about Australia for a few hours straight. Later, it began raining for the first time since we left, which made driving interesting.

We hit Omaha and, well, I didn't really even notice because it was wet, dark and we were tired. We rolled into Lincoln around 10pm, and now we're at a Best Western watching TLC and eating pizza for the second night in a row. Yuck. We never want to see pizza again.

Today was a long, tiring day, but not as boring as I had previously predicted. I bet even professional baseball players are sometimes surprised at how great Kansas City is. Tomorrow we head to Denver, with a stop for a hike at Barr Lake State Park. Should be fun. Full details tomorrow night.

Road Trip: Day 3 Stats
Leaving From: Chicago, IL
Going To: Lincoln, NE
Google Maps Distance: 522 miles, 8 hours and 3 minutes
Actual Distance: TBD (forgot to check the mileage), 10 hours and 9 minutes with multiple stops
Total Distance Driven So Far: TBD (again with the mileage)
States Visited: Illinois, Iowa and Nebraska
Lessons Learned: Whole Foods is where the snooty Chicagoans hang out; Australia has a messed up history; Rhi hates pizza; Benner still loves pizza, but wouldn't mind a break from it; Truckers have their own special dentists; Grover is 3-feet tall.

Road Trip: Day 2

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John Kennedy once implored his countrymen to “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” Apparently a lot of people in the Midwest are still waiting for an answer, because they haven’t really done much ever since.

Sure, there’s Columbus and Cleveland and Indianapolis and other thriving cities and communities in Ohio and Indiana. But the vast majority of the land looks like this:

(I fully acknowledge that my friends from the Midwest are going to take issue with what I'm saying here. But in my defense, have you driven through your states lately? Jeez, they're boring!)

But even before we hit the road this morning, we had a mini-adventure in Grove City. You see, somehow we had forgotten to take photos of Tim, Emma, Savannah and Sam. I’m not sure how we forgot but we did, and we really kicked ourselves when we woke up to an empty house (Tim at work, kids at school).

So we decided to go pull the kids out of school to say goodbye and take some pictures. We went to the school down the block, asked for the kids and found out they go to the elementary school across town. A short drive later, we were in the elementary school office being told Savannah and Sam were in the midst of state-mandated testing and could not be interrupted. This is how we feel about that:


But then we went to get breakfast at a Waffle House. Rhianwen wasn't excited to eat there, but it made me feel like this:


So off we went, on our way to Chicago, through Ohio and Indiana.

Dum de dum...


Drivin', drivin', drivin'...


Basically, the most exciting thing that happened was that we listened to some CDs we hadn't heard in a while while. Which brings me to R. Kelly: How amazing is R. Kelly? Imagine the most awkward phone conversation you've ever heard. Does it go something like this? "Hello?" "Hey Bill, it's me Ron." "Hey Ron,how you doing?" "I'm doing OK. No, that's a lie. I'm kind of sad." "Well what's wrong, friend?"

Those are lyrics to an R. Kelly song. And that's why he's awesome.

So anyways, we finally reached the Chicago Skyway and made our way towards downtown. Along the way, Rhianwen saw a structure on the side of the ride and asked, "Is that the Sears Tower?"


"No honey," I said. "That's a Sears department store." But I could see where she'd made the mistake: That's the Sears logo on something of a tower, right? Right?

Moving on, the first thing I noticed about Chicago was the good mood surrounding the town. Even the billboards are happy to see you.


So then we got to my friend Jamie's place. The plan all along was to swing by Chicago on our way to LA and hang out with Jamie. Then about two weeks ago, he told me he was going to be out of town. But he was gracious enough to let Rhi and I stay over anyway. Here's his street (his place is the one with the green balconies).


It's an awesome place in a great part of town. My overall impression of the neighborhood? It's like a really big, awesome magical castle where anything is possible and ghosts roam the streets.


Oh, I'm sorry. That was Hogwarts Castle I was thinking of. You see, Rhi and I opted out of checking out Chicago because she was in full-on sick mode. So instead of exploring the town, we ordered Chicago-style pizza (tastes just like every other kind of pizza) and watched one of the Harry Potter films. It was still great, though!

Actually, I did get to explore the city a little bit. Jamie's neighborhood is terrific, but the only problem is that there is no drug store anywhere near it. And I know from experience, because I walked about 40 blocks searching for sinus medication. And I was wearing sandals, so it hurt.

Well, Rhi is already sleeping in bed next to me, so it's time for me to join her. Hopefully when I go to get the car tomorrow morning, it hasn't been broken into and looted. Dear God, please say our car is safe.

Road Trip Day 2 Stats
Leaving From: Grove City, OH
Going To: Chicago, IL
Google Maps Distance: 361 miles, 5 hours and 48 minutes
Actual Distance: 362.7 miles, 5 hours and 1 minute
Total Distance Driven So Far: 832.8 miles
States Visited: Ohio, Indiana, Illinois
Lessons Learned: America has a lot of farmland, perhaps too much of it; R. Kelly = Genius; Indiana is home to the most hostile drivers we have encountered so far; Chicago needs more drug stores, and also to clarify which freestanding structure is in fact the Sears Tower; Hogwarts Castle is more magical than any place in Illinois.

Road Trip: Day 1

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Ah, the road trip. A truly American institution, is it not? Get a friend or two, pack your stuff into a car and set out driving to a far-off destination. Maybe people do it in other countries, but nobody does it quite like America. And, of course, absolutely no one does it like Rhi and Benner.

But before we get onto the details of our first day of driving, let us tell you about Day 0.

Tuesday morning, Rhianwen and I woke up bright and early so I could go to the dentist. That’s right, I made a dental appointment for the day before we leave on a cross-country road trip. I’m awesome.

With my teeth taken care of, Rhi and I headed back to Phil and Rachel’s house in Havertown to start preparing to move 9/10’s of our life into an ABF Relocube (the other 1/10 is in the car with us right now). My Dad and Grandmother were keen to help Rhi and I pack the stuff into the cube and even brought a giant white cargo van. Yes, that’s how awesome my Grandmother is, she helps me pick up heavy boxes and transport them. She’s awesome.


So after we cram everything into the white van and Next Door Jenn’s (thanks Jenn!) minivan, we drove out to Phoenixville where the loading place is located. As we pull into the place and get a glance at the box we’re supposed to be stuffing all these things into, our jaws drop: it looked a lot bigger in the pictures.

But my confidence never wavered! I was certain we would pack everything we owned into a 6x7x8 cube, and we did it with just a little room to spare. “You couldn’t even fit a gerbil in there,” Rhianwen has since said several times, to which I ask: “Since when did you start measuring things in gerbils?”

And I would be remiss without saying we could not have packed all that away without the help of my Dad and Grandmom, who also went a long way in keeping us sane through the ordeal. We love you both very much. Thank you!


We were also blessed by a semi-surprise visit by Rhianwen’s college roommate/best friend Jen, her husband Rob and their son Aiden, since they live in Phoenixville near the cube place. It was great to get to see them one last time because we love them a lot.

That night, the fine folks in our weekly bible study treated us like royalty, even though we showed up about 15 minutes before it was over. They loved us nevertheless, serving us cake, writing us thoughtful notes and praying for us about our journey to California. We stayed late talking to Pastor Steve, and basically complaining how it's going to suck not coming to Narberth Presbyterian anymore. Greatest church on earth, I tells ya.

After that (at like 11pm), we stopped by our friends Adam and Megan’s place, and we ended up crashing on their futon since we had packed our bed in the cube earlier that day. It somehow felt fitting to spend our last days in town with them, and it was nice to be woken up by Edan sitting on top of us.

So, now we’re back to today, Road Trip: Day 1. We wanted to leave around 9am, but of course that wasn’t going to happen. I spent a few hours packing and re-packing our car.


You can't really tell there, but it's full. Meanwhile, Rhi and her mom Gwenyth took care of all the last minute details. Without Gwenyth’s help this morning, we would still be in Pennsylvania, lost and confused. She was amazing and we love her so much. That's why we took this picture under the word Wales (she's Welsh).


Then around noon, a full 3 hours after we had planned, we said our tearful goodbyes to the beloved Lozanos, cried for about 30 minutes outside with Gwenyth, got in our car and started heading out West. We were sad to say goodbye, but excited about what awaited us in the road ahead.

Turns out, nothing much. Pennsylvania is booooooring. That whole Pennsyltuckey thing that talking heads blather on about on the cable news? It’s all true. There’s nothing but grass and cows between Philly and Pittsburgh.


We have about 40 pictures exactly like that on our camera. That’s not to say there isn’t some entertaining stuff out on the road, though.


Check out this woolly mammoth toy I won for Rhianwen in a skill crane machine at some rest stop in the sticks. I did it on my first try! I am awesome at skill crane machines. So since we had so much space in our car, we just threw it in the back.


And then there’s Arnold City.


Arnold City, of course, is a place full of Austrian bodybuilders who speak exclusively in one-liners from bad action movies. (Typical conversation: Arnold 1: “Let off some steam, Bennett!” Arnold 2: “Chill out!” Arnold 1: “You’re fired!”) Unfortunately, Rhianwen would not let me stop there to confirm my suspicions and observe the Arnolds in their natural habitat.

There was one moment where we thought our trip was going to be a lot shorter than we figured.


But it turns out California is also a town in Pennsylvania. It’s very confusing. I’m going to write my congressman about it.

I would love to say that West Virginia (which we had to drive through for about a minute) and Ohio were much more interesting, but… eh. Here's a shot of Columbus.


It's bigger and nicer than I thought, but unfortunately Rhianwen's photography skills doesn't quite capture it. Still love ya, honey!

Of course, even if there were a million things to do on our way, we probably wouldn’t have been able to enjoy them through the thick veneer of tears. Not surprisingly, moving 3,000 miles across the country and leaving behind everyone we know and love has been a big bowl of mixed feelings. Today’s primary feelings were sadness and longing, which we were feeling in full force. Oh sure, there were trace amounts of optimism and happiness, but the overwhelming bitter spices of depression all but drowned them out.

Mmm... food.

But all was well when we finally(!) arrived at Tim's house in Grove City, just outside of Columbus. We had dinner with his two awesome kids, my cousins Sam (7) and Savannah(10), and their mom Emma. We found out that Savannah's nickname is Savvy, which is pretty much the coolest nickname ever. We tried to play the Wii, but Sam ended up spending 2 hours designing his little character and everyone lost interest. Then everyone went to bed, and now here I am typing this as sweet Rhi watches Stephen Colbert.

Time to go to bed and prepare for tomorrow's six hour journey to Chicago. Full report tomorrow night.

Road Trip Day 1 Stats
Leaving From: Philadelphia, Pa
Going To: Grove City, OH
Google Maps Distance: 472 miles, 7 hours and 43 minutes
Actual Distance: 470.1 miles, 7 hours and 9 minutes
Total Distance Driven So Far: 470.1 miles
States Visited: Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio
Lessons Learned: Leaving loved ones is hard; Pennsylvania is boring; Truckers are jerks; The Nissan Versa gets awesome highway mileage (like, almost 40mpg); Licking County is a place in Ohio.

Goodbye, Fambly!

On Monday night, we had a quick going away dinner at Marrone’s with my Mom, Vince, Janet and my newest cousin Matthew.


Marrone’s is the official pizza of my Mom’s side of the family.


That's Matthew, my cousin (even though I'm 25 years older than him). That kid is learning to walk pretty pretty good.


Janet is my mom’s sister (you might call her an “aunt”) and my godmother. She used to sneak me out of school when I was little to take me to see movies and stuff. She’s the best.


That’s Vince, Janet’s husband (you might call him an “uncle,” but I don’t for some reason). He spent most of the night trying to come up with things to bet on related to our trip to California, such as what percent Buddhist we’ll be (Vince says, “Ninety percent Christian, ten percent Buddhist,”) and what kind of medical conditions our new neighbors will have.

Afterwards, Rhi, Mom and I went to see my grandparents, Babe and Jordy, in Narberth.




My grandmom says that if I ever win an Oscar (not happenin’), I have to say, “This ones for you, Babe!” If that ever does happen, though, I’ll have to separately thank my wife, which will probably cause some questions to arise in the crowd.

Also, my Grandmom on her nephew Jack: “He’s an official with the FAA, which is probably why the airlines are so f-cked up.” I love my Grandmom.

Anyways, it was a great night of hanging out with my family and saying goodbye.

And Mom, if I do win an Oscar, I promise I’ll thank you first. I love you!